Tonight, I said goodbye to you, my friend. Well, a goodbye of sorts really. After all, I wasn’t really walking away anywhere. There is nowhere to go. We were both a little tired, a little dispirited, and I, perhaps a little lost. And you, probably a little surprised.
Perhaps that was the reason. When you are weary of body, you are vulnerable to disease and illness. When your soul is weary, you are open to more pain. And my soul is weary today. So I imagined a host of things you owed me, and waited in vain. But really, you owed me nothing, not even your presence or your attention. Certainly not your magic, for it is your own and yours to give and share as your heart wills.
When someone sets your soul on fire, they say you should let them know. But we are human after all, and above all, we seek to protect ourselves. And in an even more human and a somewhat flawed but strangely logical way, our minds tells us that if we let someone know how they touch you, surely we will lose ourselves. And so we muddle along, holding ourselves back, keeping our hearts well armoured behind the walls and missing the most beautiful sunsets on the horizon.
I do not speak of romantic love, my friend. That is far too complex an emotion to be dealt with on this page tonight. I speak only of the soul reaching out for a connection. For what are we, but a bundle of connections? Some that light us up from within and help us take flight and soar high, really high ! And some that provide us cover, quiet and strong, and help us float gently down and land softly. Some that help us find joy, in a shared love of sport, the written word or the musical note. And sometimes some that push us, beyond our boundaries, into greatness. Some that crawl down with us under whatever hole we are hiding in and keep us company until we are ready to climb out again and face the world. And then there are those that help us find our purpose, that introduce us to the ways we can transcend ourselves and help others, and teach us how. Without these windows to light, we might as well not exist, adrift in the dark, endlessly and without hope.
But we are strange creatures indeed, sometimes driven to destroy what sustains us and gives us life and meaning. Ask the planet, after all. What should be a simple love, giving and asking for nothing in return, soon becomes a needy one, demanding and selfish. What starts out as a fledgling friendship, beautiful and fresh, soon starts fraying at the edges, almost becoming ragged. What begins as gently curious and seeking, teasing and full of fun and shared laughter, starts wandering into self doubt and pain. What once caused you to constantly break into giggles starts to taste sour in your mouth as the laughter dries.
And so I realised I would not let it rest, dear friend. I would perhaps take our tenuous connection and try and make new ones. I would be driven to push and prod at a spark and eventually put it out instead of letting it catch the light and burn. For that, I am sorry indeed. And I understand your surprise and what would eventually be your withdrawal. So I said goodbye silently, and a small “till we meet again” so softly that even I could not hear it.
For who knows, maybe we will. Some day perhaps we will recreate those sparks and laugh over a limerick or wonder at a shooting star and hum a glorious tune together. For now, however, wander on, my darling. For the wind is calling you. You are not meant to be tethered today, by me or anyone else. Make music, write poetry, build wonders or solve problems if you will. If you do think of me at all sometimes, think of me as someone you once touched deeply with your incredible magic, and who was the richer for it.
And fly!
My dream within a dream 